Skillful Listening
Great leadership depends on effective communication. A leader who cannot skillfully communicate will not lead very well or for very long.
In his famous prayer, St. Francis of Assisi asked God to help him to “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” When we are talking, we are simply repeating things we already know and understand. It is only through listening that we have the opportunity and ability to learn something new.
Understanding doesn’t come by talking. It only comes from listening and being attentive to what and how it is being said. Skilled listening is one of the most critical parts of being a great communicator. Learning to hold our tongue is a valuable skill for anyone, but for leaders, this is a must.
James 1:19 So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.
To be quick to hear and slow to speak means having both humility and respect for others. It means we take the time to sincerely listen to people instead of just voicing our opinions.
A simple skill to practice is to control our body language in the listening process. Sit up straight, lean forward, act interested, nod your head to show that you are tuned in and fully engaged, and track the speaker with your eyes.
If we practice these simple techniques, we do two important things. First, we position ourselves to hear what is being said, reading between the lines and discerning the true nature of the conversation. Second, it encourages the other person to be more open and comfortable sharing details, giving more specifics, and being more vulnerable.
3 Keys to Effective Listening
- Listen to God
Good communication with people starts with good communication with God. After all, it is His people we are ministering to. Always remember that we are the gift He has chosen to give to the people. Suppose we prayerfully seek God’s will and direction before ministering to others, inviting His involvement, and being mindful of His perspective. In that case, we will tap into His wisdom and better express His heart in any given situation. If leaders first practice this in their prayer life, the fruit of it will show up when it’s time to communicate.
When leaders don’t first communicate with God, they tend to lean too much on their understanding and their strengths and abilities. This often leads to misunderstandings, offenses, broken relationships, and eventually burnout. Trusting in God and inviting Him into the conversation brings the fruits of the Spirit and promotes healthy relationships.
Leaders must learn to first communicate with God before they even consider speaking with people. Don’t find this point to be over-stressed; it’s not. Keeping that practice in order will help produce the most effective communication available.
So often in the church, we find too much counseling of others without first seeking God. There are too many meetings in which the church’s affairs are discussed without first seeking God’s guidance in prayer, and far too many decisions being made without adequate preparation in prayer, and yet we still expect God to bless it.
Prayer is one of the most critical parts of any leader’s life. Not their talents, not their gifting and abilities, not their personality and charisma, but getting direction from The LORD on how to proceed.
“He who cannot be a good follower cannot be a good leader.” ~Aristotle~
The best leaders are always the best followers of Christ. If the Lord is not leading a leader, how is he to properly lead those who are following him in the ministry? To be an authority with dynamic influence, we must submit to God’s authority and invite His influence. Christians follow leaders primarily because of their relationship with God, a relationship that is birthed and cultivated in the secret place but is evident to all.
- Listen to people.
Listening to people is more than just hearing words. Listen with our eyes when people are talking, and pay attention to how they enter a room, their tone, body language, eye contact, emotions, and any emphasis on words or phrases. Listening to people is about gathering information to provide the proper response. If we pay close attention and let people do most of the talking up front, the appropriate responses will usually become apparent—many times, from the one talking.
Proverbs 18:13 He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.
Give people plenty of time to share their thoughts, and don’t interrupt. Interruptions send a message that we don’t value what they say. If we’re going to understand a person’s situation and honor them correctly, we should always let them fully express themselves.
Silence can be our friend. A nod and a thoughtful look will often keep them talking and bring out more important details they may be hesitant to share. The skillful use of silence can do some of the heavy lifting in a conversation.
When we speak, it should be an improvement on silence.
Making a habit of weighing what we say against the current silence will prevent us from speaking harshly or out of turn. It avoids offense and protects relationships.
Beware of the Lobbyist
Some people do not seek answers or counsel; they lobby for agreement. If a person uses phrases like “God said, or God told me,” Don’t get trapped in a debate or argument. If God honestly did say something, that leaves no room for us to argue or disagree, and we need to make that clear to them. This puts the responsibility of their future actions squarely on their shoulders.
We can ask questions like, “Are you sure God spoke to you?” If they insist that He did, we can counsel them to be patient and pray for God’s will, timing, and purpose to prevail in the situation, but we shouldn’t speak against what they believe God said unless it blatantly opposes God’s Word. On the other hand, if they are sincere and submit to leadership, using language like, “I think God is telling me this, or I believe God is directing me to,” then we have an open door to lead and council.
- Listen to our heart.
Proverbs 16:23 The heart of the wise teaches his mouth, and adds learning to his lips.
We must give our heart time to tell our mouth what to say.
There is tremendous discipline involved in being slow to speak. It also creates the potential for immense power to be released. It shapes the atmosphere and allows us to hear the Holy Spirit talk to us before we speak to others. It’s so easy, when someone comes to us in a hurricane of emotions, to write them off because of their delivery and not listen to what they have to say. In times like this, we need to lean on the Holy Spirit for patience, love, and grace so that we don’t respond in the same manner.
Good communication is not a one-way dialogue but a two-way street. Good communicators promote an equal amount of traffic in both lanes, understanding that the listening lane is the first one traveled.
Question: Why is listening important when communicating?
Question: What is the first key to effective listening?
Question: What percentage of time do we spend listening when in prayer?
Question: How would you describe communication in your own prayer life?
Question: On a scale of 1-10, how would you rank yourself as a skilled listener?
Question: What can you change to raise that number?
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